A Confusing Midday
by Anne Packrat
Summary: Roy and Havoc decide to focus their matchmaking skills on Ed and Winry this time. It doesn't go well, Riza is not happy, and her relationship with Roy suffers. Sequel to Lonely Mornings, but can be read by itself. Royai, Roy x Riza, Ed x Winry
1. Operation Shock and Awe for Ed

Fullmetal Alchemist and it's attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. Greta the Lunch Lady is my own creation and will hopefully not turn into the next Bubbles.

Warning: Contains sexual situations and language. Profanity Abounds.

(Note: This is intended as a sequel to "Lonely Mornings" but can be read on its own. Roy and Riza are dating, and Havoc and Schiezka are dating. That's all you need to know.)

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A Confusing Midday - Chapter 1: Operation Shock and Awe for Ed

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

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The walk from the train station to headquarters was normally a pleasant one for Ed Elric. It went through some pretty neighborhoods, and even if he had to see Colonel Flamey at the end, at least he'd also be able to get a ton of free food in the cafeteria as well.

Today, however, Ed was angry. Now one could argue that this was Ed's natural state, but today's fury was directed at an unusual target.

The petite state alchemist rounded on his brother clanking along behind him. "You picked up another goddamn cat didn't you?"

Al Elric tried to look as innocent as a seven foot suit of armor could. He desperately hoped his older brother couldn't hear the plaintive mewing coming from inside him. "I don't know what you're talking about, brother."

Ed sighed. "How much of an idiot do you think I am, Al?"

Al thought. "Uh, well according to Winry, you're a big one, but I guess you could say she's a bit biased."

His head wincing in pain at the memory of his latest wrench hit, Ed clenched his fist. "Look, I know you have another kitten. I'm sorry they don't have homes, but you know we can't take care of them."

The elder Elric could have sworn his armored brother was about to cry. "But!" Al said, sniffling even without a nose, "But they're so cute and lonely, and..."

Ed ran his hand through his hair. "Al, let it out now." When Al didn't move, his voice became more commanding. "I said to let it out!"

Slowly the younger brother reached in his chest and pulled out a cute, fluffy kitten. He bent and put the kitten on the ground, muttering under his breath. He stood and addressed Ed. "It's just a kitten, brother. What's your problem with it?"

"My problem," Ed replied angrily, "is that I'm the one who has to clean the cat crap out of you!"

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With an exaggerated sigh, Roy Mustang put down his pen. "Lieutenant?"

Riza Hawkeye looked up from her desk. "Yes, sir?"

Roy grinned and rested his head in his hand. "I've finished all my paperwork."

Puzzled, she frowned. "Er, good for you, colonel. Do you want a cookie as a reward?"

His grin shifted into the familiar smirk. "Maybe I do..." he said slyly, "But it has to be an extra-special one... Made by you." He waggled his eyebrows in order to emphasize his point.

Oh... Riza groaned as understanding dawned, then buried her head in her hands.

Not this again.

She really should have known better then to suggest to her boyfriend that she might be willing to reward the finishing of paperwork with certain favors. Certain favors that might involve quickies during the midday meal if certain precautions were met.

It's not like she really expected him to take her up on that offer. Surely his absolute hatred of paperwork was more than enough to override his lust... Right?

Unfortunately for her, she had severely underestimated the power of Roy Mustang's libido. So every day since the initial suggestion, the colonel had come in early and worked through every break he had to finish all his work on time, all in anticipation of his "reward."

_"Sure it's great that we're the most efficient office in Central now,"_ she thought dejectedly, _"But I haven't gotten to eat lunch yet this week!"_

And it looked like she'd be skipping it again today. She had made the promise after all, and Riza Hawkeye was a woman of her word. (She just wished that word would let her have a damn sandwich once in a while.)

It wasn't like she didn't enjoy their little sessions either. Roy was a patient and rather considerate lover, and she had definitely gained a knew found appreciation for his desk... (And the couch... And his chair... And even the potted plant in the corner...) She was just tired of being hungry and aroused at the same time.

_"Maybe I should start bringing lunch for both of us,"_ she thought to herself, _"But no oysters or hot dogs. That man doesn't need anything making him hornier!"_

Roy's face had lapsed into a look of concern while she had been having a mental chat with herself. "Hawkeye... Are you okay?"

She shook her head to clear her thoughts, then smiled slightly. "Yes, I'm fine, sir. Now about lunch..."

Her smile widened slightly as his eyes lit up like those of a child. "Oh, I am definitely _'up'_ for lunch!" he said eagerly.

"Uh huh," she replied, refusing to acknowledge his double-entendre. "And what about Fuery, Breda, and Falman?"

He grinned. "Enjoying an extra long lunch break off-base with my blessing."

She nodded. "And our lookout?"

His grin widened. "Out having a smoke break. He'll be back in five minutes."

Riza sighed. "All right, as soon as Havoc gets back you can have your _cookie_, okay? You know I wish you had put this much effort into your work all the time."

The smirk made an appearance, "I guess I just needed the right stimulation." He waggled his eyebrows. "And you, my dear lieutenant, are an excellent motivator. You're always there when things get... _hard_."

She rolled her eyes. "Anyway... Are Breda and the others any closer yet?"

Roy tapped his fingers on the desk. "I don't think so. Last I heard the current theory was that I was in a master-slave relationship with Havoc and Armstrong."

"Oh?" she asked amused, "Are you the master or the slave?" He frowned and mumbled something she couldn't quite make out. "What was that, sir?"

"I'm the slave okay?" he scowled, "Dammit, why am I always the gimp or the girl in the relationships they visualize?"

Smiling, Riza leaned back against her desk. "I suppose it's because you're just so pretty, colonel."

"Yeah, right," he grumbled. However, he must have been slightly mollified by her comment since his frown disappeared.

"If it's any consolation," she replied, her eyes dancing with suppressed laughter, "I heard Falman put forth the theory that you were seeing Greta the Lunch Lady on the side."

His face scrunched in concentration. "Greta... Greta... Oh god," he said, his eyes widening in recognition, "Isn't she the one with the unibrow...?"

Greatly amused, Riza nodded. "Yes, and the mullet."

Roy groaned and ran his hand through his hair. "God, where did they get the idea to bring her into this...?"

"That would be from me, chief," said a voice from over near the door. Both the officers' attention snapped to the door to find Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc leaning against the frame. He had a grin wrapped around his unlit cigarette.

The colonel gave his blond protege a stern glare. "And why in the hell would you do that Havoc?"

Havoc shrugged, his grin not leaving his face. "Guess I'm just tired of being paired up with you all the time. I'd like to be with a woman for once."

"Hey!" Roy protested, "You think I'm happy being gay with you all the time?" He shuddered at the memory of a long line of thick black hair resting over a pair of gimlet-sized eyes, "Though I'd almost take you over Greta."

Riza stared back and forth between the two men, her expression a mixture of exasperation and amusement. "Dare I ask who they think I'm with now?"

Roy scratched his nose as he thought. "I think it's still Ross."

"Au contraire, my colonel," Havoc said, his grin widening even more, "It's now Schiezka AND Ross."

She sighed and slumped against the desk behind her. "Why do they keep insisting on putting me in lesbian affairs?" She glared at Havoc. "Aren't you upset at this? Schiezka is your girlfriend after all."

Havoc shot her a confused look. "You kidding? I think it's hot as hell. Hell, I have dreams about the two of you going at it."

He suddenly grew nervous as he saw her hand drop toward her holster, but any gunplay was forestalled by Roy speaking up. "I'd like to see that too!" He ignored the glare his girlfriend shot him, and met her eyes without flinching. "I keep telling you, Riza, if you want to invite a female friend to come over to play, I have no objections."

Her fist clenched, and she answered him angrily, "We've been over this. Besides the fact that I'm not in the least attracted to women in that way, it would also constitute an infidelity-"

Roy raised a hand to interrupt her. "It's not cheating if you let me watch." He smirked as he watched her jaw drop. He glanced over at Havoc. "Though if Schiezka is involved it would only be fair to let Jean watch too."

Havoc moved his cigarette to the other side of his mouth, then grinned. "I believe that would be acceptable."

Riza looked back and forth between the two men in disbelief. "Fuck you both."

"Now, now, lieutenant," Roy said, "Havoc would only be watching, not participating."

Riza frowned. "Well, YOU, Roy, will not be participating in any such activities today at this rate."

His face fell. "But-but I've been good!" he pleaded, "I finished all my paperwork and everything!"

Unmoving, she crossed her arms over her chest. "I appreciate that, but you think treating me this way is going to get me in the mood?"

"It's working for me!" Havoc said. He recoiled beneath the dirty look she shot him. "Er, forget I said that..."

Roy sighed and gave his lieutenant a plaintive look, "Please, Riza!" He stood and took her hands in his. "Please...?"

She sighed. It was becoming harder to ignore his puppy dog eyes. Particularly when it was paired with her name and his touches. "Today is the last day for awhile. We need to cut back, Roy."

He frowned. "But... Then I won't have any motivation to do paperwork."

She took her hand from his and ran it through her hair. "God, look how about this: If you finish your paperwork for the next few days I'll wear IT some night."

His eyes widened, and a guarded optimism settled over his face. "You'll wear IT? Really! You know how long I've wanted to see you in IT."

She nodded, a hint of a smile appearing. "I know. You have a huge obsession with IT for some reason. Now before we waste the rest of the lunch break..." She shot a meaningful glance toward Havoc.

The second lieutenant held up his hands. "I know the drill. I'll play lookout for you all. But first..." He went over and dragged Roy out of Riza's earshot. "Hey, chief, what is IT?"

Roy grinned. "Wouldn't you like to know? Let's just say IT is something I've been trying to get her in for years."

Havoc's cigarette dropped out of his mouth when he realized what IT was. "You're kidding! Holy crap. I never thought she'd..." He ran an appraising look up and down Riza's fine form. "Hey, chief, you think I could maybe watch when you know she's trying on IT...?"

Roy shook his head and began shoving the younger man toward the door. "No way in hell, Havoc."

Havoc caught the door to stop Roy's pushing. "But chief!" he protested.

"It's top secret, lieutenant!" Roy said, as he finally managed to shove the protesting smoker out the door. He swiftly shut the door and met his girlfriend's amused glance.

Smugly, he said, "The sight of Riza Hawkeye in a mini-skirt is for my eyes only."

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Ed Elric hurried to Colonel Mustang's office. The sooner he got the damn report over with, the faster he could get to the piles off food waiting for him in the cafeteria (prepared by the extremely nice if somewhat homely lunch lady). And thus the sooner he and his brother could be off investigating the newest lead they'd picked up.

He briefly wondered where his brother was. Al had begged off saying he had to go to the "Little Armors Room" which was, of course, nonsense. Generally when he said something like that it meant he wanted to go feed whatever stray had caught his attention that day. But since Ed had made him put out the kitten, he suspected his younger brother had used that excuse to instead go off somewhere and sulk.

Ed stretched his arms and rested them behind his head as he walked. It wasn't that big a deal. He'd go apologize to Al when he was done eating and then any ill will would soon be lost in the excitement of planning their next adventure.

He reached the colonel's office and found only Havoc in the outer area. The inner area was closed. "Hey," he greeted the blond lieutenant, "Where are the others?"

Havoc looked up in surprise. "Er, hi, Ed. They're at lunch."

The alchemist's stomach rumbled at the mention of food. "Well, where's Colonel Pyro? He at lunch too?"

Chewing on his cigarette nervously, "Uh, he's busy at the moment." His eyes strayed over the closed door. "Real busy."

Ed sighed. "Yeah, yeah. He's in here right?" Ed jerked his thumb towards the obscured inner office.

Havoc nodded anxiously. "Uh, yeah, but he left strict instructions that he wasn't to be disturbed." He gave Ed a too bright smile. "You know, lots of paperwork and that."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Yeah right, I bet he's on the phone with one of those 'dates' of his. Look, I just want to give the bastard a quick report then I can get down to my food." He moved toward the door.

Quickly Havoc grabbed his shoulder, earning an angry stare from the boy. "Look," Havoc said desperately, "You just don't want to go in there now, okay?"

Ed pushed him away angrily. "I told you I need to see the idiot colonel. Do you want me go through the door or make my entrance with alchemy?"

Havoc looked at the boy's hands and groaned. He knew what kind of power was in them, and what they could do. He held up his own hands in surrender. "Fine, go in. But don't say I didn't warn you."

"Hmph..." was Ed's only reply as he pushed the door open.

"Yo, Flamey McSparkson! I got your-" Ed stopped in mid-sentence, choking on his words.

Before him he saw the frozen pale rear view of Roy Mustang. The colonel was shirtless with his pants around his ankles and leaning into something on his desk. By the thin but muscular pair of thighs wrapped around his waist Ed had a feeling he knew just what that something was.

_"So he is spending time with one of his women after all,"_ Edward thought disgustedly, _"Just not in the way I reckoned."_

Roy was looking back at Ed now. "Fullmetal!" the colonel cried in surprise.

Then a head appeared from behind Mustang's back. Ed's jaw dropped as he took in the honey colored hair (now mussed) and the red-brown eyes.

"Edward!" Hawkeye said in alarm.

The young alchemist's head swam. It couldn't be... Colonel Flamey was doing it... on his desk... with aloof should-have-known-better-then-to-be-involved-with-Idiot-Playboy-Flamer-Colonel Hawkeye! His mind whirled with shock as it struggled to process the scene before him. Eventually it gave up.

With a groan he fell to the floor, and his exhausted and confused mind slipped into blissful darkness.

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Author's Minor Indulgence

This is the sequel to "Lonely Mornings as said above. It will focus as much if not more on Roy / Riza then Ed / Winry. But Ed and Winry will be in here. I'm planning a pleasant surprise for Al too.

I apologize for the length of time this took, but I did warn you all that I had a con coming up and cosplay stuff took priority. In fact, I made a Black Hayate costume! Yep, the first full mascot Black Hayate costume. You can see it at my deviantart account at " annepackrat dot deviantart dot com " (replacing the dots with periods of course). I won Second Place Craftsmanship in the Journeyman division for it.

Since I am going to AX and I have 3(!) costumes to finish before then, updates will be sporadic again. But I know you all will want updates with this cliffhanger. - I'll try to get a Chapter 2 up soon.

Thanks to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA manga and anime.

Thanks to my husband, who I will not see until the World Cup is over.

Thanks to the reviewers and those who give me feedback. I appreciate it greatly.

And Thanks to you for reading.

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Anne Packrat (June 11, 2006) Happy Royai Day! Heh.


	2. The Birds and Bees by Colonel Pyro

(Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist was created by Hiromu Arakawa, and is distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation, and Viz.)

Warning: This story contains sexual situations and language. Profanity abounds.

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A Confusing Midday

Chapter 2: The Birds and Bees According to Colonel Pyro

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

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For many people, being trapped in a room with a naked recently aroused man and woman and an unconscious cute blonde boy would lead them to think of naughty, or perhaps more perverse things.

Havoc's thoughts were more on surviving the bullets and flames he knew would be coming after him very shortly.

"Uh..." he said. Shock and fear conspired to stop coherent thought. "Uh..."

"Havoc!" yelled an embarrassed and naked Riza Hawkeye, "Get out of here!"

His brain having found the hamster and returned it to its wheel, Havoc blinked. "Right, sorry," he said as he dragged Ed Elric's unconscious form out into the outer office, shutting the door behind him.

He sat with his back against the door, trembling. Images of himself, charred and full of holes, haunted his mind. He silently apologized to Sciezka for dying so young and leaving her all alone in the world.

Suddenly the door opened, leaving his back without any support. He fell backwards, his head landing harshly on the ugly brown carpet the army favored. His upside down gaze took in his hastily dressed and angry superior officers. "Uh, hi..." he ventured.

Roy knelt and hit him on the head. "Some fucking lookout you are!"

He gulped and quickly scrambled to a sitting position. "Uh, yeah, chief, about that... I'm really sorry..." He pointed suddenly at Ed. "But the kid threatened to use alchemy to get in! I couldn't stop him!"

Riza came up behind her boyfriend and glared at the blond lieutenant. "Then why..." she hissed, her eyes narrowing in anger, "Didn't you knock and announce him?"

Havoc froze, pinned to the wall by the force of her gaze. Why the hell hadn't he knocked? That would have been the smart thing to do after all. But like a fool it hadn't ever occurred to him. His voice was laden with fear and shame when he answered, "I... I didn't think about it." He hung his head. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot."

"Well, at least you admit it," Riza said, her anger abating a little. She sighed and put her hand on the colonel's shoulder to draw his attention. "The damage is done, Roy. We just have to explain it to Edward as best we can."

Roy stood using her hand for support. She squeezed it reassuringly. "I guess you're right, Riza," Roy said before turning his attention to Havoc. "Put beanboy over there on the couch. He should be waking up soon."

Havoc hefted the unconscious boy and laid him down on the black leather couch. Riza went over and checked him over briefly. She sighed in relief. "Looks like he wasn't hurt when he fell."

Roy smiled. "I didn't think he would be. Kid's real hardheaded. One of his more annoying qualities I always thought." He watched Havoc and Riza exchange knowing glances. "What?"

"Nothing. Just wondering whether you're the pot or the kettle..." she said wryly.

Confused Roy stared at her questioningly, then blinked and shrugged. "Anyway..." His gaze flickered over to Ed, and he ran his hand through his hair nervously. "I don't have to explain everything to shortbread do I? I mean, at his age he should know at least know how the basic process goes, right?"

A shadow of his customary grin appeared on Havoc's face (it was slow to return after the earlier brush with death had chased it off). "Don't worry, chief. I got it covered."

The colonel raised an eyebrow. "You, Havoc? No offense, but I don't think you should be giving sex advice to anyone, let alone a kid."

The tall blond shrugged. "Too late. Ed and his brother came and asked me about it a few months ago. I gave them some tips and lent Ed some of my magazines."

"Oh god..." Roy said, covering his face with his hand.

Frowning Havoc replied, "Hey, why are you so worried? They got the gist of it. Ed even thanked me afterward. Al seemed to be almost blushing the entire time though."

Riza gave a snort of laughter, drawing the men's attention to her. "Yeah, right. Then why did the boys come to me afterward in order to clarify things?"

Roy's eyes widened as he stared in surprise at his girlfriend. "You talked to the Elrics about sex too?"

She nodded. Meeting her eyes, he noticed the challenging light in them. "Is that a problem?" she said archly.

Mustang opened his mouth to protest, but paused. He then remembered that Riza's friends included a union prostitute and a well-seasoned transvestite homosexual. And those were only the ones he knew about. Hell, she may very well know about fetishes and practices he doesn't! "Not at all," he finally answered.

Riza smiled. "Good." She looked down at her hands. "Anyway, I was careful and discreet in what I told them. Mainly I discussed the need for protection, and the consequences if they go without it." She glared at Havoc. "Curiously Havoc did not see fit to tell them much about that, other than giving them the advice to 'Bag it, before you shag it,' which the boys did not find particularly helpful."

Havoc grinned sheepishly. "What can I say? You'd think kids these days would know the terminology already." His grin slid into a smirk. "Besides, I must have done something right. I haven't gotten those magazines back yet."

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "Another thing Havoc mentioned little about was the woman's role and reactions. I had to tell them about that too. Of course, my advice only applies if there's one involved in the process." She smiled as she looked back and forth between her boyfriend and Havoc. "But I don't know all that much about how gay men have relations. Perhaps either you Roy, or you Jean, could tell the boys about that aspect." Her smile widened. "Office gossip has you two going at it a couple of times a week now."

Roy rubbed his temple in frustration. Behind him he heard his supposed gay lover groan. "Is this in place of what we're supposed to be doing with Armstrong?"

She took Roy's hand and idly examined the lines on the palm. The smile hadn't left her face. "It's in addition to all your other purported affairs I'm afraid."

Surprisingly the corner of his mouth twitched upward. "Hey, at least they're paying proper tribute to the legendary Mustang Stamina."

"What, you mean the fact that you finish quicker than a prize-winning racehorse?" came a new voice from the direction of the couch.

Roy's expression slid into the look of pure bedevilment that it only took on around the Elder Elric. "So Little Britches is up then is he?"

"Shut up, you ass," Ed said rising to a sitting position, "Now what the hell was that I walked in on?"

Roy sighed and put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Well, you see, Fullmetal," he began, "When a man and a woman love each other..."

Ed scowled and knocked the colonel's hand off. "I know about that already, idiot!"

Mustang rubbed his chin considering. "Oh, okay. Well, then a man has a special thing between his legs called a _penis_. I'm sure even you have one," he grinned wickedly, "But in your case it's probably so small that you haven't noticed it yet."

The young alchemist clenched his automail fist and jumped to his feet. He took a step toward Roy getting within striking distance. "I'll have you know my dick is so huge I have to get special pants because of it!" he yelled.

The two alchemists then began arguing in earnest, gaining increasingly louder with each insult. Suddenly, the sound of a gunshot ended any further discussion of either mans' anatomy. Both of them jumped and looked in the direction of Riza who was pointing her gun at the ceiling. She quickly blew the smoke off the barrel. She was amused by how the men in the room seemed entranced by the movement of it, always fearful it may be aimed at them next.

"That's enough of that," she said putting her gun back in the holster. "Ed, I have absolutely no wish to hear about the size of your..." she coughed, "ahem, _assets_, and Havoc and I know more than enough about the colonel's already."

Ed's face screwed up in confusion. _"Wait... Did Hawkeye say Havoc knew about the colonel's...?"_ he thought. He looked back at the tall blond and noticed how pale he'd become. _"On second thought,"_ he mused, _"I really don't want to know."_

He came out of his reverie to find Hawkeye pushing him back toward the couch. "You, Edward, sit." She pushed him backward until his knees hit the leather.

She turned and grabbed Roy's ear. "And you, Mr. I'm-The-Adult-So-I-Should-Know-Better," she growled, "Will sit over here." She dragged him, cursing, by the ear to his desk chair and shoved him roughly into it.

Ed would have laughed at the sight, but the idea that Hawkeye's gun was still in easy reach was enough to stifle any merriment.

Riza then looked up at Havoc, who nodded and left, closing the door behind him. She circled to the front of the colonel's desk and leaned against it. "Edward," she said in the softer tones she used with the Elric boys, "Roy and I are dating, so what you saw..."

Crossing his arms, the young alchemist blushed, "What I saw was more than just dating."

Her cheeks also getting a tinge of pink, Riza coughed. "Well, be that as it may, the colonel and I are seeing each other."

Ed stood, but didn't move away from the couch. He stuck an accusatory finger out at the colonel. "Yeah, but how can you... with _him_? He treats every woman he dates like a common whore!" He regretted his word choice the instant it left his mouth.

The Flame Alchemist rose to his feet, his face dark, and his eyes flashing. "Fullmetal..." he said, his voice low and filled with hidden menace, "You will not refer to the Lieutenant as a whore ever again."

Slightly taken aback by the colonel's response, Ed looked apologetically at Hawkeye. "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant."

Riza nodded in understanding. "I know that," she said simply, "Roy's just being stupid and macho." She ignored the grumbling coming from the chair behind her.

Ed ran his flesh hand through his hair. "I just don't see how he could possibly be treating you well. He's an arrogant ass who has no respect for women." His voice raised in level as he continued, "He's probably just playing with you!"

Frowning, the lieutenant's features took on a hard cast as she answered him, "It doesn't matter what opinion of him you have, Edward. Although it is an opinion you may want to rethink, by the way." She stared him directly in the eyes as she continued, "No matter what you or others may think, the fact remains that I love Roy with all my heart."

Ed's eyes widened at her admission. "But- But you can do so much better than _HIM_."

"_Edward_," Mustang said. Both the elder Elric and Riza looked at him in surprise. The colonel never used his ward's first name. (Rumor was that he couldn't even remember it.) The colonel went to the front of his desk, stopping a few steps from Ed. He moved with a seriousness and conviction which frankly, Ed thought the colonel didn't possess. The Flame's eyes squarely met those of Fullmetal.

"Believe me," Roy said, his voice filled with quiet intensity, "when I say that I love Riza more than anything else in the world. I will protect her, I will cherish her, and I will do anything to make her happy. I will achieve my dream of becoming fuhrer, if only because I want to make the world a better place for _her_."

He sighed and lowered his head, his expression and voice suddenly weary. "You're right about one thing though. I'm not good enough for her."

Riza stepped forward turned her boyfriend to face her, she took his hands in hers. "Roy, don't talk like that. You're one of the most noble people I know. You're a very good man."

He rubbed her palms with his thumbs, and smiled wanly. "So you keep telling me. I'm glad you believe it at least."

Ed sat down on the couch heavily, the loose fabric making a small "woof" as he landed. He was, to put it bluntly, absolutely stunned by the colonel's behavior. He had never before seen the colonel act this way. He began to wonder just how much of the colonel he knew was an act, and how much wasn't. He also began to wonder just where this new grudging respect for the older alchemist was coming from.

But one thing he didn't have to wonder about was whether they were serious about each other. "I believe you," Ed said quietly, drawing the couple's attention to him, "Both of you."

A small smile appeared on Riza's lips. "Thank you, Edward."

Any further conversation was interrupted by a hesitant knock on the door. "Uh, colonel, sir, Lieutenant Havoc says that my brother is in there with you."

Ed sighed. "Come on in, Al."

"Well," Roy remarked as the younger Elric came in, "At least your brother knows enough to knock first." This gained him an angry glare from the elder Elric.

Al's plume swished back and forth as he took in the scene before him. "Am- Am I interrupting something?"

Roy looked at his girlfriend questioningly. "Should we tell him too?"

She sighed. "In for a penny in for a pound I guess." She looked over at the boy by the door. "Alphonse, please come in and close the door behind you." Al did so, and took a seat next to his brother.

Roy paused to put his thoughts in order. "As your brother recently found out, er..." he scratched his nose nervously, "Well, Lieutenant Hawkeye and I are dating each other."

Al's eyes lit up. "Finally!" he cried happily, "I was wondering if you two would ever get together!"

All three stared at him in surprise. "Al," Ed said, "You expected this to happen?"

Turning his gaze to his sibling, Al answered, "Well, of course! I'm surprised you didn't, brother. Once you know what to look for it was fairly obvious that the colonel and Lieutenant Hawkeye had feelings for each other."

Riza frowned. "I guess we'll have to work on that," she muttered. It's true that Al was extraordinarily perceptive, and often recognized things that others couldn't, but it still wouldn't hurt to scale back on how expressive she and Roy were in public.

Roy blinked then turned his attention back to the two brothers. "Anyway, this has to remain a secret. You two are to tell no one, understand?"

Al nodded eagerly, but Ed's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Coughing lightly, Riza answered. "It's against military regulations for officers in the same division to fraternize with each other."

"So it's illegal then?" Ed asked. Riza nodded. He pointed his thumb at the colonel. "You sure you're willing to risk your career for the Littlest Matchstick Girl over there?"

"Absolutely," she answered without missing a beat.

Ed looked back and forth from his commanding officer to his girlfriend. He sighed and rubbed the nape of his neck with his flesh hand. "Fine, I'll keep your damn secret too."

Roy smirked and opened his mouth only to have it covered by a slim calloused hand. "Thank you, both," Riza said, her eyes shooting daggers at the man next to her, "Roy thanks you too. _Don't you, Roy?_" She removed her hand and allowed it to drop to her side.

The colonel pouted, crossed his arms and looked off to the side. "Yeah, thanks," he repeated reluctantly.

"Are we the only ones who know?" Al asked.

Riza shook her head. "Havoc and Sciezka do as well. They..." she frowned slightly, "They kind of set us up."

Puzzled, Ed asked, "Havoc I can kind of see, but why would Sciezka try to set you up?"

"Sciezka is Havoc's girlfriend," Roy grinned as he looked down at the blonde boy. "I guess it's not surprising you haven't heard. I suppose the news had trouble finding you, seeing as how small you are."

Ed growled, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING-" He suddenly stopped when his mind finally processed the rest of what Mustang had said. Eyes widening, Ed was a portrait of confusion. "Wait, _Havoc_ has a girlfriend? And that girlfriend is Sciezka?"

Roy sighed in exasperation. "I know. Unbelievable isn't it? To think that a totally average guy like Jean Havoc would get a girlfriend before a totally hot _stud_ like me. Aw well."

Riza rolled her eyes. "Anyway..." She went over to her desk, opened the drawer, and took something out of it. She walked over to the elder Elric and knelt down in front of him. "What have we learned today, Edward?"

Ed sighed. "To knock before entering a room."

She smiled and dropped a cookie into his waiting hands. Tousling his hair she said, "Good boy. Enjoy your cookie."

Ed munched. The cookie was a bit dry, but tasty enough in its own right. And yes, he disliked being treated like a child, but if it came with a cookie at the end it was bearable. And besides, he did feel bad for walking in on them.

Though he didn't understand why Roy blushed and made a noise like a strangled cat when Riza said the word "cookie."

------------------------------------

After giving his report, Ed's stomach rumbled to remind him that, despite the cookie, it still needed more filling. Al had left a few minutes earlier to go and congratulate Havoc on his new relationship. Ed had his hand on the door when Roy's voice stopped him.

"Oh, Fullmetal?"

Ed scowled and turned to the black haired colonel. "What?"

The hated smirk burst onto Roy's face in full-force. "Give Havoc back his magazines," he paused to consider, "At least the ones that aren't too messy."

Ed blushed crimson and stomped out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Roy winced at the noise, then rested his head in his hand and looked over at Riza, who was diligently working on some reports. "Lieutenant?"

She looked up at him. "Yes, sir?"

"Why do you keep cookies in your desk for Fullmetal?"

A devious smile broke out on her face. "They're not just for Edward."

Roy was confused. "What do you mean?"

She opened one of her desk drawers and pulled out a bag. She walked over to his desk and wordlessly handed the bag to him.

He grinned as he saw the dog on the front. "How exactly did this come about?"

Riza rubbed her nose. "Well, I left some on the desk once to give to Hayate later, when I came in and found Edward eating one. He complimented me on my cooking skills and asked for another cookie. I told him I'd give him one if he promised to file his next report on time."

"So that's why he wasn't late with it that one time?" Roy asked. She nodded. "I was wondering about that."

She continued, "So after that I gave him a 'cookie' whenever he was good, and it snowballed from there."

His grin widened. "I suppose you have no intention of telling him the truth then?"

She shook her head, and moved to pick up the bag. "I've found that _'cookies'_ are a very helpful tool when training dogs, particularly those of the military variety. Even those dogs who don't have the best attention span." She put the bag back in her drawer and picked up the reports she had to file.

Roy's eyebrows furrowed as her words sunk in. "Wait, just _who_ are you talking about training here?"

Riza paused with her hand on the doorknob. She looked back over her shoulder and gave Roy a sultry smile.

"That, sir," she said coyly, "is up to you."

She closed the door then, leaving a mightily confused colonel in her wake.

---------------------------------------------

Author's Indulgence

Poor Ed. Poor Havoc. Poor Roy. In fact, the only male so far in this story I don't feel sorry for is Al, and I'm only treating him well because he's so cute. ;;

And no, I'm not trying to hint at Ed having a crush on Riza. My Ed just happens to be something of a women's rights kind of guy (which makes sense given all the strong women he's had raising him), so he's a bit defensive about how a guy like Mustang appears to treat women.

Hmmm... And this is only the second time in either "Lonely Mornings" or this story that Riza has shot a bullet, and she wasn't even aiming at anyone with either of them. I almost feel like I'm letting the poor gun-nut down by not having more gunplay in it. Oh well, maybe I'll try to work in some nifty gunkata.

Winry is set to show up in Chapter 4 as of right now.

Likely no more updates till July 5th after AX, folks. Sorry, but I have lots of cosplay to do. If you're attending AX say hello if you can pick me out from the 40000 other people there. ;

-Thanks to the creators, cast and crew of the FMA anime and manga.

-Thanks to my husband, Ryan, who I still have not seen since the World Cup started.

-Thanks to those who give feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next time: Roy and Havoc get drunk (so what else is new?) and decide to kickstart Ed "Little Britches" Elric's love life. And Al gets a very interesting proposition from Riza.

--Anne Packrat (June 19, 2006)


	3. Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and is distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. Todd the bartender is my own minor creation.

Warning: Contains sexual situations and dialogue. Profanity abounds.

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A Confusing Midday:

Chapter 3 - Taking Matters into Their Own Hands

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic

by Anne Packrat

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Something unusual was happening in The Doghouse Tavern off Minsky Avenue. Colonel Roy Mustang and Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc were getting drunk.

Well, okay, maybe before it wouldn't be an odd occurrence, but since both men had found steady girlfriends their "time sloshed" had dropped to an all time low. Havoc had found that spending time with his girlfriend Sciezka was more enjoyable than alcohol.

As for Roy, well, he had once showed up at Riza Hawkeye's doorstep plastered. His gun-toting lieutenant girlfriend soon showed him the error of his ways. Since then he'd kept his drinking to a more manageable level (well, manageable for Roy Mustang at least, for anyone else it'd likely lead to alcohol poisoning).

"Ya kno wha we need ta do?" Roy said, his words tilting to the left.

"Un...?" Havoc answered, the thought processes to form a coherent reply too difficult for him to manage at the moment.

"We- we need ta get Fu'metuhl a signi'can-, a si'fni'ant," he paused, his mind currently unable to make the mouth say the words he wanted. "He nee's a girl," he said firmly.

Havoc nodded quickly, the motion almost carrying him off his stool. "Yeh, bu' not Haw'eye or Chezka cuz..." his brow furrowed while his mind worked. "Cuz they got men alrea'y!" he finished triumphantly.

Alcohol fueled inspiration filled Roy's head. "Hey, we should fix Fu'Met'l up!"

Havoc was trying to figure out what Roy out of the three in front of him was the one speaking. "Thas- Thas a goo' idea, Col'nel Two! Or are ya Col'nel One?"

Roy tried to lay his head in his hand and think. Too bad he missed and banged his chin on the edge of the bar. "Stu'id bar keeps movin," he muttered. His second try proved more successful and the colonel was now in the proper thinking position. "Where we gonna ge' a girl though?"

The smoker gave a big grin to all three colonels in front of him. "Le's get one wit' big tits!"

Smiling wistfully, Roy replied, "Yeah... I like big tits!"

"Me too!" the smoker chorused raising his beer stein in a toast to all three colonels. "To big titties!" He giggled and put his glass down on the bar, not seeming to care that no one else joined in his celebration.

Roy frowned. "But wha girl? She should be clos' to Fu'Met'l's age."

"But wit' big bazooms!" Havoc said, very insistent about this requirement.

Nodding Roy said, "Yeah, big breasts too."

Havoc decided to look at Colonel Three for the moment, "Wha 'bout his mechanic? 'Er rack ain' bad."

The colonel considered. "Yeah, she's good. Wuz 'er name? Winery? Willy?"

Havoc giggled. Yes giggled. Giggling was something drunk Havoc often did. "Ain' Willy th' guy works in th' bakery a block 'way?"

Roy took a moment to think on this. "Thin he'd go for Fu'met'l?

Shaking his head Havoc giggled yet again. "Nah, Ed ain' into men." He pondered for a moment. "'Sides Willy ain' got tits."

"Damn, 'kay, wha 'bout that mechanic girl of Fu'Met'l's? Wuz 'er name?"

Deciding his attention needed to be on Colonel Two, Havoc gave him a watery glare. "Don' go stealin my ideas." He thought for a moment. "Ain' 'er name Winry Rockabell?"

"Thas it! It's Winly!" Roy said, briefly wondering at the small fear that welled up in him at that name. He shrugged and stopped thinking about it.

The smoker shook his head. "Nah, iz Winry."

Roy shrugged. "Wha'ever." He raised his glass high and encouraged Havoc to do the same. "To Fu'Met'l and Win Lee!"

"Ed 'n Winry!" Havoc echoed. Their glasses clinked together with more force then either intended, spilling much of the beer on the men.

Many drinkers will tell you that wasting beer like the Colonel and his subordinate just did is a sin. Of course, so is making elaborate plans while one is fall down flat out drunk.

That never stopped them before, and they'd be damned if it would stop them now.

---------------------------------

The halls of Central Headquarters echoed with a very familiar sound: the angry footsteps of one Edward Elric.

Mr. Fullmetal was on his way to his required daily check-in with his commanding officer. It was a formality he hated, but with the great power of a state alchemist, also came a great responsibility:

Occasionally having to put up with Colonel Bastard.

But the check-in was one annoyance Ed had learned to accept as necessary, and it did little more than irritate him anymore. No today's anger was directed for the second day in a row towards his brother.

"For the hundredth time I'm sorry, brother!" Al pleaded, his hands together in a gesture of remorse.

Ed scowled. "Yeah, yeah. Just answer me this... Why didn't you knock?"

"When you didn't answer I thought you still asleep, so I didn't want to chance waking you up," Al explained.

"Being woken up would have been better!" the elder Elric growled.

Sensing that the current track wasn't working, the armored Elric decided a new approach was needed. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about, brother. It's perfectly normal for boys our age to have urges to explore their bodies-"

"SHUT UP!" Ed yelled, his face turning beet red from the curious looks he was getting from passing soldiers.

He jumped and clasped his hand over his younger sibling's mouth. This, of course, was a futile gesture, but it did serve to derail Al's train of thought. Ed pulled his brother into an empty side corridor and then into a squatting position.

"First off," Ed growled, "You are never to talk about 'my urges' and me 'exploring my body' in that context ever again." He sighed and sat down next to his brother. "Second, I know it's 'normal' and all, but that doesn't mean that it's not embarrassing to have your little brother walk in on you doing it."

Al traced a random pattern on the floor with one metal finger. "I'm sorry, brother."

Normal color finally returning to his face, Ed put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "It's okay, Al, just knock next time okay?"

The younger boy nodded. "Yes, brother."

Suddenly Ed snorted and grinned. "Hey, since you learned your lesson about knocking first maybe you'll get a cookie from Hawkeye too!"

Al's finger stopped drawing on the floor tile as he considered how to phrase his next sentence. "Uh, brother, about those cookies Ms. Hawkeye gives you..."

"Oh, they're really good." Ed smiled at his brother, "I'm sure Hawkeye will make you some once you get your body back!"

"But, brother..." Al's protest trailed away as he saw his brother's open, trusting face, "Uh, yeah, I'll look forward to it..."

Ed stood and stretched. "So we're good now, right?" He frowned when he didn't get an answer. "Al, is something else wrong?" Al pulled his helm's long trailing plume over his shoulder and ran his fingers over it lightly.

Ed groaned inwardly when he saw his brother's actions. He knew this meant Al was trying to get up the courage to ask him something he wouldn't like. The metal limbed alchemist had a feeling that it was something relating to his actions earlier that morning and the feelings arising from it. Yes, he wanted to do his best to describe things to Al (since he couldn't experience them for himself at the moment), but dammit there were limits!

"Brother," Al asked, twisting the plume in his hands. "Can- Can I ask you a question?"

"Oh god, here it comes..." Ed thought worriedly. Out loud he said, "Okay, go ahead."

Al loosened his grip on the plume, smoothing it out with his fingers. "I went with you to return the magazines Lieutenant Havoc lent us..."

The elder Elric blinked in surprise. What was his brother getting at? "Yeah, so?"

The younger boy finally let the plume go and began rubbing his hands back and forth on his knees. He took a nonexistent deep breath and continued quickly, his words all in a heap. "So I wanted to know what you were using for inspiration while you were doing it since you didn't have the dirty magazines anymore."

Ed's jaw dropped. Color returned to his face in full force. "AL!" he cried then quickly lowered his voice so he wouldn't attract attention. "That," he hissed, "is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

Al stilled his hands. "Oh, okay." He hesitated then asked, "Brother, can I ask you another question?"

Convinced that he was insane for agreeing to another likely-to-be-incredibly-uncomfortable query (that was sure to be on topics he in no way shape or form wished to discuss with his little brother of all people), the blushing boy nodded.

Had Ed been paying more attention he might have heard the undercurrent of mischief in his brother's voice. "When you were doing that 'thing' this morning," Al said looking up at his brother, "Why were you moaning Winry's name?"

Ed's eyes went wide and his face got so red that he wouldn't have been surprised if it was permanently stained that color. His jaw worked but no sound came. Eventually he was able to croak out, "I- I was?"

Al didn't answer at first. He stood and then looked back. Had he been able to, Al would have been grinning like a madman. "Just kidding, brother." Then the boy ran off down the hallway, knowing his fiery tempered sibling would soon be in hot pursuit.

It took a moment for Al's words to sink in, but once they did Ed clenched his fists and took off after his brother. _"ALPHONSE FRANCIS ELRIC!"_ he yelled, _"YOU ARE SO DEAD!"_

-------------------------

First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was not having a good day. She stomped through the corridors of Central (quite like a certain red-coated alchemist had just a bit earlier). The cause of her anger came from its usual source: Colonel Roy Mustang. Though in this case Jean Havoc also had a hand in it.

Her anger stemmed from the night before, when her friend Todd, the bartender at The Doghouse Tavern on Minsky Avenue, called and told her to come pick up two "packages". Two drunk, passed out (and in the case of the tall blond one - drooling) packages, that had missed Last Call and needed to be evacuated from the bar.

So with Todd's help she bundled both men into her car. After wrapping him up in his coat (which he promptly began to drool on), she left the Havoc package lying across his doorstep. She then dropped Todd off back at the bar, and took her own package home.

She seriously considered leaving Mustang to sleep it off outside, but her heart rebelled and eventually she dragged him inside and on the couch. Then she stumbled into her own bed and cursed when the clock reminded her she only had three hours before it was time to go to work.

She'd woken up at the usual time, and roughly shook Roy awake. He had made a stumbling run to the bathroom, where he deeply regretted having the curry for dinner the night before, (it didn't taste any better coming up then it had going down). Unbelievably, he then tried to convince Riza he needed some "morning milk and cookies" but was quickly disabused of the notion by several bullets precisely aimed to hit an inch from his crotch.

Riza then informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he would not be "having cookies" for a very long time, and in fact, would not even be allowed near the cookie jar unless he _really_ wanted to resemble Swiss Cheese.

So after being roused in the middle of the night to take care of her drunk boyfriend and friend, dealing with the rigors of said boyfriend's massive hangover, and then having to put up with the usual antics of the office on top of it all...

Well, let's just say that Riza was not a happy camper. And her day was not set to get better any time soon...

Being occupied in her thoughts, she couldn't avoid the massive speeding object that collided with her and knocked her onto the floor. As she blinked and tried to figure out just why she now had a good view of the ceiling, a familiar looking helm entered her field of vision.

"Lieutenant!" Al said, his voice radiating concern, "Are you hurt?"

She sat up just in time to see the other Elric come gallivanting around the corner, red coat flying out behind him. He spotted the fallen woman and tried to slow down. It wasn't enough though as he barreled into his brother, leaving a tangled mass of metal and Elrics in the middle of the hallway. Someone in the pile, (presumably Ed) groaned.

After a moment spent taking stock of herself, and finding nothing beyond a few bruises, Riza got to her feet and began extricating the two brothers from each other. "Are you two okay?" she asked, helping Al remove his brother's arm from his chest cavity.

"I think so..." Al said.

"Yeah..." Ed said a second after.

Once the boys were separated and kneeling side by side looking very sheepish, Hawkeye took a step back and gave them a piercing look. "Haven't I told you two not to run in the hall?"

"Yes, ma'am," they said together, both looking down in chagrin.

Riza successfully resisted the urge to wag her finger at them, but still continued her scolding. "And now do you see why we have that rule?"

"Yes, ma'am," the brothers chorused.

"And are you going to do it again?"

"No, ma'am," they said while shaking their heads hurriedly, Al's helm rattling as he did so.

"Good," Hawkeye said. She held out a hand to each brother and helped them to their feet. "Now what started all this?" She quirked a curious eyebrow at Ed's sudden fierce blush.

"Uh- It's my fault!" Al said, bringing her attention away from his brother and onto him, "I was teasing brother, and uh, I mentioned the s-word..."

Hawkeye's lips quirked in a half smile at the younger boy's explanation. "Oh?" she said, her eyes gaining a glint of amusement, "Was it the s-word that rhymes with ball or the s-word that rhymes with court?"

"Hey!" Ed cried, "I am neither of those s-words!"

Taking in the teen's anger without batting so much as an eyelash, Hawkeye replied smoothly, "Of course, Edward. I would never use those words to describe you. In fact, I think the best word to describe you would be _Lilliputian_."

Ed frowned in confusion, but any response he may have made was forestalled by Hawkeye continuing.

"It's good that I ran into you boys," Hawkeye said giving Al a stern look, "Though I had hoped to not run into you so literally, Alphonse."

Al put his hand behind his head and laughed nervously.

Hawkeye carried on, "I have a proposal for you, Alphonse, and I'd like to discuss it with you and your brother over lunch. Will you both be free?"

Blinking back surprise, Ed looked at his brother then at Hawkeye, "Uh, yeah, we can be. I just have to meet with Colonel Von Firebug, then we were going to head over to the library to do research."

Hawkeye considered. "All right. I'll meet you both in the cafeteria at one then, okay?" Both boys nodded. "Good. Now I have to go get some files for the colonel. I'll see you two later." She waved and then hurried off down the hall.

After watching the lieutenant round the corner, Al turned to Ed. "Uh, brother?" he asked carefully, "Do you know what Lilliputian means?"

Ed's gave his brother a puzzled look. "Well, no not really. I like the sound of it though."

Al's had to resist the urge to play with his plume. "Er, you do?"

Ed grinned. "Yeah, I do. Sounds pretty high class and sophisticated to me." His eyes suddenly narrowed. "Doesn't it?"

Al waved his hands in front of him. "No, no, it's a good word. Nothing wrong with it."

Grinning again, Ed jerked his thumb toward the door to Mustang's office. "Okay. Let's get this check-in over with, so we can go get waste deep in alchemy texts." He turned and headed for the door.

"Right, brother," Al replied worriedly. He'd have to remember to hide his copy of _"Gulliver's Travels"_ when they got home.

Al loved his brother dearly, but sometimes he lamented the fact that Ed's tolerance for height jokes was positively... Lilliputian.

-------------------------------

Author's Notes

Oh Mac Thesaurus Widget. How I love thee.

Sorry for the length of time this took. I was hoping to make this longer and get in certain scenes, but they didn't want to come. Next chapter is going to be difficult for me, as I'm not sure how to realistically do one of the scenes yet.

Expo was great fun, if you saw me there (Black Hayate cosplayer twas me) then drop a line. I was at Ikasucon too as Hawkeye and Black Hayate.

If you desperately want smut from me then you can read the Lust x Falman oneshot I wrote for the fma fuhq Livejournal community. I can't put it here though due to the restrictions on this site. You can find it at adultfanfiction dot net or mediaminer dot org. I use this same author name on both. The fic is called "The Right Words." I'm writing an Al x Paninya fic next.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.

-Thanks to my husband who knows enough to be extra nice to me this particular time of the month.

-Thanks to my unsuspecting guinea pigs for the first scene, including "snakecharmerfox" and "havocmangawip" and some others I forget but thank as well.

-Thanks to everyone who leaves feedback or reviews. I greatly appreciate it.

-And thanks to you for reading.

Next time: Roy realizes that if wants Riza's "cookies" any time soon then he'd better apologize toot sweet. And just what does Hawkeye want to discuss with the Elrics? Oh and a certain blonde mechanic makes her first appearance, and she's not happy...

-------------

Anne Packrat (August 15, 2006)


	4. Cookies, Rumors and Mustang's Butt

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz, and Funimation. The character of Anne the author is created by her parents and possibly by God according to your religious beliefs.

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A Confusing Midday

Chapter 4: Cookies, Rumors, and Mustang's Butt

A Fullmetal Alchemist Story

by Anne Packrat

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day was not starting well for the great Flame Alchemist. There were three main reasons that Roy's day was shot before it began.

First off, he had a hangover. That wasn't that big a deal though. He often woke with a hangover and got through them with guts, determination and some aspirin.

Secondly, thanks to several drunken and idiotic mistakes, Roy Mustang was a man without "cookies," and Riza had made it very clear to him that she would not be baking for a week at least. Sure, there were dozens or even hundreds of women who would be more than happy to bake with him, but truth be told, the only woman who interested him anymore was Riza. He knew any other baked goods would pale in comparison to those provided by his girlfriend.

All his thinking of baking brought to mind a particular Sunday when he had woken up to the smell of something in the oven. In the kitchen he'd found Riza licking a spoon slowly and watching him. Her tongue was relentless in reaching every drop of dough it could find. So enthralled with that spectacle was he that it took him a few moments to notice that Riza wore nothing more than an apron and a wicked smile. Oh, that had been quite a day, and damn if his lieutenant did not look incredibly _sexy _in that apron.

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. Great he had to think of that. Now his lust for "cookies" was getting into desperate territory.

The third thing that was worrying him was his plan to get Fullmetal and Winry together, or the lack thereof. Oh, he had come up with a plan all right, but since it involved a case of tequila, two trained tigers, a stalled car and twenty coconuts it wasn't exactly feasible.

Roy rubbed his temple. "I have got to stop making plans while drunk," he muttered, "Or at least I've got to stop making stupid plans while drunk."

Still he owed the kid, and this was the best way he could think of to pay his debt. It was obvious to everyone that Fullmetal and Winry liked each other. Well, obvious to everyone but the two teens in question. _"Probably about as obvious as the sexual tension between Riza and I,"_ he thought ruefully, _"But it still took Havoc to point it out to us."_

He stood and went over the window. The glass felt cool beneath his fingertips and he scanned the overcast skies hoping he'd find an answer. Surprisingly, one popped into his head. "Of course!" he said lightly slapping the window, "It's so simple! I just need the right person to help."

With one of his problems now on its way to being solved, Roy's mood lightened considerably. "Guess I'll be the one playing Havoc for Fullmetal and Winry," he said.

He hesitated then added, "But I'm not going to be taking up smoking."

--------------------------------------------------------------

An anxious and automail-wearing alchemist ambled among another authoritative alchemist's assistants.

And said assistants were not happy to have the young alchemist interrupting their work (in Fuery's case), sleep (in Breda's case) or card game (in Falman and Havoc's cases).

"Ed, sir, don't you think you should be checking in with the colonel?" Fuery said, getting slightly annoyed by the boy's continued pacing. The elder Elric stopped in the middle of the room and gave the door a nervous glance then continued pacing again.

"Brother," Al said, his tone one of worry, "Are you okay?"

It was a given that Ed didn't like checking in with his commanding officer, but usually he wasn't scared of doing so. Today, however, he desperately wished to not have a repeat of yesterday's briefing, if only to avoid seeing Mustang's ass again.

He looked at his brother then let his eyes go to Havoc, who if anything, seemed amused by the young man's obvious discomfort.

"He's not... _busy_ is he?" Ed asked the smoker.

Havoc shrugged. "I don't know," he answered, grinning, "His door's been closed for a while now."

This didn't appease the boy's unrest. If anything, it made it worse. Ed began pacing again.

Yawning Breda scratched his chin. "When did Lieutenant Hawkeye say she was getting back from the shooting range?"

Ed stopped in his tracks and slapped his palms on Breda's desk and leaned in toward the portly lieutenant's face. "Did you just say that Hawkeye is at the shooting range?" he asked carefully.

Surprised, Breda leaned away from the sudden intrusion in his personal space. He nodded. "Uh, yeah, she left for the range about an hour ago."

Relief flooding his features, Ed pulled back. "Thank god." He whirled and entered the colonel's office. Al followed and closed the door behind him.

Breda blinked in confusion then looked over at Havoc. "What the hell was that about?"

The tall blond popped a cigarette in his mouth. "No idea, buddy." He smiled serenely. "No idea."

-------------------------------------------

Roy looked up at the sound of the door opening. "Ah, Fullmetal, you're late. Are you too small to see the alarm clock?"

"Shove it, Mustang," Ed growled as he stopped in front of the colonel's desk, his brother just behind him. "I wanted to be sure I wouldn't see you and Hawkeye abusing your desk."

Rolling his eyes, Roy replied, "You're just upset that you're not getting any from that hot little mechanic of yours."

Ed clenched his fist and glared at Mustang. "Leave Winry out of this!" he yelled.

Roy smirked. "Oh, did I hit a nerve, brat?"

Crossing his arms and looking away, Ed replied, "It's just inappropriate to talk or think about her that way."

"You certainly were thinking inappropriate thoughts about her yesterday," Al muttered under his non-existent breath.

The armor ended up on the receiving end of a glare from the older Elric. "What was that, Al?" Ed hissed at his brother.

Quickly waving his hands in the air in front of him, Al answered nervously, "Nothing, brother!"

"And it better stay that way," Ed whispered fiercely. He turned back toward his commanding officer, "Yeah anyway, I'm late because I didn't want to risk seeing the same disgusting scene I saw yesterday."

"Exactly what did you see yesterday, Fullmetal?" said a new deep voice from the door.

Roy's eyes snapped to the new arrival. He quickly took in the eyepatch and benevolently smiling face, and saluted. "Fuhrer Bradley, sir!" The younger state alchemist didn't follow suit. Instead he stared at the fuhrer with his mouth hanging open.

Al poked his brother in the back. "Salute, brother!"

Ed looked at him in confusion. "What? Oh, right." He quickly echoed his commander's salute.

The fuhrer entered and paused in front of the three younger men. Two stern looking assistants followed behind him. Bradley held up a hand. "At ease, gentlemen." His glance took in both Ed and Roy as he spoke. "You both seem well, and your mission reports have been surprisingly punctual as of late. Keep it up."

His gaze traveled upwards to the armor behind Ed. "And young Mr. Elric is here as well! How are you doing?" He smiled warmly at the boy. "Is it just me or have you gotten taller?"

Rubbing his hands together, Al laughed nervously. "I-I'm not sure, sir," the boy answered, "M-maybe I have." He silently thanked Mustang when he drew Bradley's attention away.

"Sir, to what do we owe the honor of your presence?" the colonel said, his pose every inch that of a perfect soldier. Al was impressed that nothing in Mustang's appearance betrayed the tight knots of tension he knew must lie in the colonel's gut.

The fuhrer gazed at Mustang, his smile fading into a slight frown. "I'm here because I wanted to personally address a matter that concerns you, colonel."

Mustang blinked in surprise, but otherwise betrayed no outward signs of shock. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the fuhrer holding up a hand and addressing Edward. "But first I would like to know what you saw in here yesterday that disgusted you so much, Fullmetal."

His eyes widening, the elder Elric's eyes worriedly moved from the fuhrer to the colonel and back again. "I saw..." he began then stopped.

Silence flowed in and stretched to what seemed an interminable length. Mustang stared at his subordinate during the endless moments, his expression unreadable.

"Don't worry about getting in trouble, Fullmetal," the fuhrer said, his soft voice sounding like a shotgun blast in the silence, "Just tell me what you saw."

Al squeezed his hands together and stared at his brother. His brother had no great love for the colonel true, but that didn't mean he'd betray the man. His hatred couldn't possibly run that deep, could it? Al silently pleaded with his brother to do the right thing.

"I came in and saw..." The blond boy clenched his fist and stared at the floor. His voice was tight and his face was filled with revulsion. He took a deep breath and continued. "I... I came in and saw the colonel here at his desk..." He swallowed hard, then looked up at the fuhrer with renewed resolve. "He- the colonel, was, well, kind of, er, picking his nose."

Al's hands unclenched and out of the corner of his eye he saw colonel's jaw drop. "Brother, you're a genius!" he thought proudly. He hesitated then added, "A twisted insane genius, but a genius nonetheless."

An expression of bemused surprise appeared on the fuhrer's face. "You saw Colonel Mustang er, excavating his nasal cavity?"

The boy nodded. His eyes now downcast. "Yes, sir."

Bradley fixed a stern glare on the older alchemist behind the desk. "Mustang!"

Roy snapped to attention. "Sir!"

The fuhrer's one eye bore down on Mustang, but it's menace was belied by the slight smile on the man's lips. "Picking your nose is an absolutely filthy habit, and you are never again to do it while you are on military property! Do I make myself clear?"

The colonel flushed white, but he maintained his salute. "Yes, sir, I will not let it happen again, sir!"

Al glanced at his brother and caught the boy's mouth quirk upward in a quick smile before disappearing completely under the guise of a grimace. Ed was obviously enjoying his commanding officer's humiliation.

Bradley turned back toward Edward. "Are you satisfied now, Fullmetal?"

Ed nodded, trying his damnedest not to grin evilly, "Yes, sir, I am."

"At ease, Mustang," the fuhrer said, watching the younger officer drop his hand, "Now that that's settled, I would like to address the matter I originally came about. I've been hearing certain rumors about you being involved romantically with one of your subordinates, colonel. I came here to find out the truth for myself."

Al stifled a gasp, and beside him his brother stiffened.

Mustang's face hardened, and his voice was toneless when he spoke. "Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about."

The fuhrer quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? The rumors have been quite specific. They go into quite a bit of detail into certain acts you're supposed to be doing with this person."

Al's hands reached behind his back and grabbed his plume, nervously running his hands over it. Ed's eyes were wide as he watched the two powerful men face off in front of him.

Unflinching despite the fuhrer's piercing one-eyed gaze, Mustang's voice was firm. "Any rumors you have heard, sir, are, untrue, baseless and perpetuated by idle people who have nothing better to do then gossip like a pack of bored housewives."

Bradley regarded the man before him levelly. "You will swear then that you are not having a romantic relationship with Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc?"

Al's hands froze and dropped the plume in shock. Beside him he saw his brother stagger slightly and shake his head as if to clear it. The younger Elric understood his brother's reaction; he felt it too. He briefly wondered if he wasn't getting vertigo from all the emotional ups and downs of this conversation.

Roy's eyes widened and his mask cracked. He stared dumbfounded at the officer in front of him. "Fuh-Fuhrer Bradley, I can assure you that I have _never_, nor will I _ever_, have any romantic relationship with Lieutenant Havoc. I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with _any_ man at all."

The fuhrer stared at him a moment more, seemingly measuring the worth of the colonel's words in his mind. Then he laughed. "That's what I thought, Mustang! There's no way the greatest ladies man in Central would suddenly switch sides and jeopardize his career by becoming involved with a male subordinate."

Mustang allowed himself a brief answering smile. "I'm glad you understand that those rumors have no basis in truth, sir."

The fuhrer smiled warmly. "Don't worry, colonel. I'm well aware of the truth."

He looked over at the boys then his gaze settled on Mustang. "Now that that's resolved, I suppose I should let you get back to your meeting. Good day, Colonel, Fullmetal," he nodded at the two soldiers then met the eyes of Alphonse. "Mr. Elric."

Al's eyes widened almost imperceptibly as his gaze met the fuhrer's. The fuhrer's mouth turned down by the smallest margin and Al knew the older man had noted his shock. Then the man had turned to the door and the moment was over.

He watched in confusion and worry as the fuhrer left, his assistants closing the door behind him. So preoccupied was the younger Elric, that he barely registered the familiar sound of an argument starting between Roy and his brother. No, he had bigger things on his mind. He couldn't possibly have seen what he thought he did. It was probably nothing, just him being paranoid. _Still..._

He gave the door another nervous glance. Why hadn't he noticed it before?

In the few times Al had met the fuhrer, the man had come across as pleasant and jovial, always with a ready smile on his face...

But that smile wasn't reflected in the man's one good eye.

Instead that eye was hard as steel, glinting with a cold hard light that declared it was measuring everything about the viewer, and each time found him or her lacking. Could that icy calculating glare really belong to the seemingly benign always-smiling fuhrer?

_"I'm well aware of the truth."_ The fuhrer's words echoed in his head. He had heard no malice in tone with which the those words were spoken, only an undercurrent of amusement and strangely, confidence.

Al shook his head. No, he must be wrong. Maybe some of his brother's paranoia was rubbing off on him. The fuhrer had a whole country to run, why would he mean harm to a small group of soldiers and a civilian?

Satisfied that he was mistaken, Al turned with a sigh to the more pressing but familiar task of intervening between his brother and Roy Mustang before they came to blows.

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Author's Indulgence

Anne was not surprised to find a young blonde mechanic at her door. Winry entered the house and crossed her arms. She gave the author an annoyed stare. "All right, why did you call me?"

Closing the door, Anne ran a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, but I promised the readers you'd appear in this chapter, but I was taking too long to finish the scenes before your entrance so..."

The teen rolled her eyes. "So you're sticking me in the Author's Notes as a copout?"

The author stared at the floor and nodded unhappily.

Winry sighed and rubbed her temple. "All right, fine. Just give me the damn thing to read all ready."

Wordlessly, Anne handed over a sheet of paper, which the mechanic scanned quickly. "Yadda yadda, thanks to the cast, crew creators of Fullmetal Alchemist, your husband Ryan, those who leave feedback and review and the readers themselves."

She looked up at the woman in front of her. "This is pretty standard stuff isn't it?" Anne shrugged.

Winry continued. "This chapter didn't go as planned, but the scene with the fuhrer became necessary to hint at future turns this story or a possible sequel might take."

She looked back up at Anne. "A sequel?"

The author nodded. "Yeah, I'm not too sure about it yet. I have trouble with overly long projects, but I do have a few ideas I could use for a sequel. It'll likely be titled Ominous Afternoons or something along those lines."

The girl frowned. "Cheesy title. Anyway..." She went back to reading the paper. "If you want more smut from me, I've written a sweet Al x Paninya fic called 'The Right Fit', an odd Lust x Falman called "The Right Words," and a more WTF smut fic called 'A Cure for Boredom' that's Envy x Pinako... Hey, wait a minute! Paninya and Falman get smut before I do? Hell, even my own grandmother gets more action then me!"

Anne laughed nervously. "Heh, well, you are with Edward in 'The Right Fit,' but you don't get any explicit sex scenes." Winry frowned more and reached toward her toolbelt. Alarmed Anne grabbed her hand to prevent it from getting a wrench. "Don't worry! I've decided to write you some smut with Edward later on in this story!"

Winry relaxed and actually smiled at this. "Well, I suppose I can deal with that." The author stepped back and dropped the mechanic's hand. Winry continued. "..The story is going to take a bit more serious tone in the next few chapters, but there will still be some humor and, of course, some Ed x Winry, Royai smut." The mechanic gave a quick thumbs up at this. "Just don't expect the silliness level to be as high as in the first few chapters. And finally I apologize for not actually fitting Winry into this chapter like I promised. She will make it fully into the next chapter."

Handing the paper back to Anne, the girl put her hands on her hips. "Okay, that's done. Do you need anything else?"

The author considered. "Yeah, actually. Can you have Ed ask Mustang to come get Havoc?"

Winry's eyes widened in surprise. "Lieutenant Havoc's here?" She looked around the living room behind Anne. "Where is he?"

Anne sighed. "Yeah, he came to read the Author's Notes for 'Lonely Mornings' and hasn't left yet. He's been holed up in the guest bedroom with the laptop ever since he discovered adultfanfiction dot net's Yuri section."

The mechanic rolled her eyes. "Men!"

The author nodded sympathetically. "Trust me, I know."

"All right, well, I'll be sure Mustang knows about his wayward horny subordinate." She hesitated, "Or maybe I'll have Ed tell Lieutenant Hawkeye instead."

Anne considered. "Yeah, that's probably a better idea."

Winry reached for the door. "I'd better get going. Just you make sure to write me good smut!"

"Oh, I will!" Anne replied, "Thank you so much for today, you're a lifesaver."

The mechanic sighed. "I wish Ed thought that."

The older woman patted her on the back and smiled knowingly. "Trust me, he does."

Winry regarded the author. "Yeah, I guess you would know." She opened the door and waved. "See you around."

"Bye!" the author said, "And thanks for reading!"

--------

Anne Packrat (October 24, 2006)


	5. Fear, Flo and a Fullmetal Fool

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and it's associated characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz. Greta the Lunchlady is my own creation. No money is being made off this story.

Warning: Contains sexual language and dialogue. Profanity abounds.

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A Confusing Midday: Chapter 5 - Fear, Flo, and a Fullmetal Fool

A Fullmetal Alchemist Story

by Anne Packrat

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The four lowest ranked officers of Mustang's unit had felt some degree of panic and terror when the fuhrer had appeared at their doorstep and asked to see the colonel. No one watching would be able to tell that though. Every person in Mustang's unit was well-schooled on how to quickly don the guise of a devoted member of the fuhrer's army, wanting nothing more then to do his or her best for the mighty nation of Amestris.

The masks they wore were made of the finest bullshit available.

They were devoted all right, but not to the army. Instead they put their faith in a playboy colonel, a gun-toting ice queen and a teenage alchemist sensitive about his height. Each would do whatever was needed to support Mustang in his rise to power. As far as they were concerned, the current fuhrer could take a long walk off a short pier.

They worked in silence throughout the time the fuhrer spent in Mustang's office. The thoughts of each soldier were filled with concern for their colonel, themselves, and what said colonel would do to each of them just in case they had done something to cause this little visit.

Jean Havoc was doubly worried, since he knew of the colonel's new relationship where the other's did not. Could the fuhrer have found out about Roy and Riza seeing each other? Jean hoped that this wasn't the case with every fiber of his being, but certainly the sudden visit of Bradley did not bode well.

The air of tension in the room lightened some when the fuhrer left. Now you could cut the tension with a knife (instead of before when it needed a chainsaw).

When the door to the colonel's office opened each of the subordinates watched Alphonse Elric emerge with fearful looks. Breda flinched at the loud argument issuing from inside the office, which was cut off when Al carefully closed the door.

The boy laughed nervously and looked back and forth between the four soldiers. "The colonel humbly requests your prescences in his office at your earliest convenience."

Despite his anxiety, Falman raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Those weren't the colonel's exact words were they?"

With another nervous laugh, Al put his hand behind his head and stared at the floor. "Actually he said to just get the those, uh..." he paused, and looked up at the soldiers before looking down again, "To get those gosh darn, idiotic, sons of female dogs into his office before he burned their, um, male bits off."

A choked noise came from Fuery as he turned white as a sheet. The poor boy looked like he was about to faint. Havoc noted that Breda and Falman didn't look much better. Swallowing past the sudden lump in his throat, he addressed the armored messenger in front of him, "Is that all the chief said?"

Al was silent and seemed to be considering something. Finally he looked up at Havoc. "He also called you all, er, 'mother-loving pieces of manure.'"

"We're doomed," Falman proclaimed with a sigh.

The others nodded in agreement and rose to face the music.

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"At least I don't clean my ears with a pencil, unlike certain alchemists I could mention!" Roy yelled, his voice in full-on Ed argument mode.

Ed's face paled, but he didn't back down. "One time I did that! I had an itch!"

Mustang sneered. "Likely story. I bet-" he was interrupted by the entry of his male subordinates. "We'll finish this later, Fullmetal," he said, his eyes not leaving the scared men before him. Breda and Havoc looked nervous, Falman looked grim, and Fuery looked ready to piss himself.

Circling around to the front of his desk, Mustang began to pace in front of his officers. "Gentlemen, as you are no doubt well aware, the fuhrer came to visit with me this afternoon." His subordinates nodded in turn. "It appears that certain rumors have been circulating around headquarters. Certain rumors that have me dating a specific individual."

He stopped and looked back and forth down the line of his officers. "Do any of you know how such vile baseless accusations could have spread?

The colonel began pacing again.

"Perhaps they just sprang out of thin air, eh?"

Rubbing his chin as if in thought, he continued. "Could it have been the rumor fairy?"

The Flame Alchemist stopped in his tracks and turned a cold hard glare on his officers. "OR MAYBE IT'S THE GODDAMN PACK OF GOSSIPING HOUSEWIVES THAT PRETEND TO BE MY SUBORDINATES!" he roared.

Havoc and Breda immediately dropped to their knees and begged for forgiveness. Fuery stood absolutely still, perhaps in some vain hope that he'd blend into the wall behind him and escape notice. Falman merely hung his head in shame.

Noticing their distress Mustang felt a pang of pity, and he slightly lowered his tone when next he spoke. "Let me set the record straight for this one and only time. I am _not_ dating Greta the Lunch Lady," he placed special emphasis on the word not. "I am _not_ dating Armstrong, and I sure as hell am _NOT_ dating Havoc!"

Havoc froze in his groveling. Slowly he got up and gave the colonel a disbelieving stare. "You're not telling me the fuhrer thought I was dating you?"

The colonel nodded. He sighed. "Breda get up, Falman look at me, and Fuery, dammit, stop looking like a deer caught in headlights." Breda stood and the other two also did as they were told. "Now what I want to know is why. Why did you feel the need to spread these rumors?"

Fuery mumbled something, but Mustang didn't catch it. "You need to speak louder, sergeant, I didn't quite catch that."

The young soldier looked at the ground as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. "We- we were worried about you, sir."

Roy blinked in surprise. "What? Why?"

Breda responded this time. "What the kid means, boss, is that you haven't been yourself lately. You're coming in on time, finishing your paperwork, and most importantly NOT bragging about how impressive and full your social life is."

"We've been especially worried, sir," Falman continued, "about how you were holding up due to the recent events involving the late General Hughes."

Roy's eyes clouded briefly at the mention of his friend, but none of the men seemed to notice.

Fuery picked up the thread of conversation again. "So, sir, we, uh, kind of thought, well, um, that maybe it would..."

Breda rolled his eyes. "We thought it might be the thing to jar you out of your funk and get you up and back to the old colonel that we know and love." He paused and added, "We mean love in a purely platonic sense, of course."

The colonel rubbed his temples wearily, he could feel a headache coming on. "So you spread outrageous rumors, and in some cases invented new ones all because you wanted to cheer me up?"

This time Falman nodded. "Yes, sir, although the recent unusual behavior of yourself, Lieutenant Hawkeye and Havoc also fueled some speculation."

Roy sighed. "Look, Havoc has been cheerful lately because..." he paused and glanced over at Havoc. "Do you want to tell them or should I?"

"I might as well," Havoc answered, rolling his cigarette to the other side of his mouth. He fixed his gaze on the three junior officers who regarded him curiously. He took a deep breath. "The reason I've been so cheerful lately is because I have a steady girlfriend."

This declaration was met with silence at first. Then, Breda burst out laughing, and Falman rolled his eyes in disbelief. Fuery at least, had the decency to try to hide his snickering behind his hands.

Havoc's face fell as he saw his friends' reactions. "Com'n, guys, I'm telling the truth here."

Breda gave him a curious look. "Really? You're not kidding us?" He looked over to the colonel for confirmation. Roy nodded in response.

Eyes wide, Fuery asked, "So you really are dating Lieutenant Hawkeye then?"

With his jaw dropping in astonishment, Havoc's (thankfully unlit) cigarette fell to the ground and made a small pile of ash on the ugly brown rug. He glanced over at his superior to find his own incredulity mirrored in Roy and the Ed's faces.

"No! I'm-" Havoc paused to collect himself, "What makes you think--?" He trailed off unable to do anything more then stay at the bespeckled officer.

Suddenly feeling ill-at-ease, Fuery pushed his glasses up and then rubbed his nose. "Well, with the way you two were acting it just seemed to fit." He shifted uncomfortably, "And, Lieutenant Hawkeye has seemed more... er, mellow lately." He paused remembering how short Hawkeye had been with the colonel earlier then said, "Well except for this morning."

"Havoc is in no way dating Hawkeye!" Mustang exclaimed, perhaps a bit too forcefully.

Falman blinked in surprise at the colonel's outburst. "Then why has she been more cheerful lately, sir?"

_"Uh, oh," Roy thought, "Better tone it down."_ He shrugged and out loud he said, "How should I know? Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Snorting, Breda answered for Falman. "Because we don't want to chance having a gun being shoved in our faces."

"Good point," Roy muttered.

Timidly, Al raised his hand. "Uh, Colonel Mustang, sir, I think I heard her say something about a new gun...?" he ventured.

Sending the metal boy a silent thank you for the excuse, Roy nodded. "Yes, I do believe the new Burleigh series of pistols is coming out soon. Hawkeye was saying how they have some new innovative mechanism that cuts reloading time in half." (Briefly he thought back to the Burleigh & Strong Firearms catalog he had at home, which he had been perusing with the vague notion of finding a particular someone a gift. A gift he hoped would not find use on him.)

Falman said, "So we've covered both Havoc and Hawkeye, but what about you, sir?"

Broken out of his reverie, Mustang focused his attention on his oldest officer. "Me? What about me?"

"You have been acting differently as of late as well, sir," Falman said, matter-of-factly, "And I don't feel that it's all entirely due to the late General Hughes."

"Oh, right," Roy replied. He began pacing again as a way to stall for time. What was he going to tell them? It wasn't that he didn't trust them. On the contrary, he

trusted them with his life, but what he didn't trust was who else might be listening in headquarters.

Again the colonel was saved by someone, this time though it was Havoc. "You probably ain't gonna believe this, but I set the colonel up with someone."

All eyes swiveled toward Havoc. Breda gave him an appraising look and then to everyone's amazement pulled Fuery and Falman down into a huddle. They spoke in hushed whispers with the occasional phrases like "No luck with women," "Even hookers won't..." and "like kissing an ashtray" emerging from the circle.

After about a minute they broke and Breda delivered their verdict. "We still have some doubts as to your ability to find yourself a date, let alone find one for the colonel," he took a deep breath and continued, "However, we are tentatively prepared to accept your statement, Havoc."

"You _tentatively_ accept my statement!" The man in question flushed with embarassment and glared at the three officers. "Some damn friends you are!"

Roy watched his subordinates with amusement. Their antics drained away some of the anger he felt earlier. Eventually he decided that Havoc had had enough torture and he intervened. "What Havoc says is true," he ignored the surprised glances of his other subordinates, "He did indeed set me up with a wonderful woman who I've been seeing steadily for awhile now."

Falman's eyebrows rose. "Would we know her, sir?"

Shaking his head quickly, Roy said, "No, no, she works at a uh..." He had to think quickly, but strangely all he could think about was his pressing need for his girlfriend's "cookies."

"A bakery," he said hurriedly, "She works at a bakery on the other side of town."

Fuery smiled. "Congratulations, sir! What's her name?"

Several potential names flew threw his head and he said the first one that came to mind. "Florence," the expectant looks caused him to continue, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. "Florence Wilhemina Baptista Oglethorpington," he finished, regretting the name as soon as it left his mouth.

Havoc, Ed and even Al stared at him in horror. Roy smiled sheepishly. "Er, most people just call her Flo."

"Oh yeah, nice save, Flamey," Ed muttered before being jabbed in the side by his brother.

"Anyway," the colonel continued, paying no head to the comments from the short, blond peanut gallery next to him, "That still doesn't change the fact that you men did cause quite a bit of trouble today with all your loose talk."

"But, sir...!" Breda began to protest but was stopped by his superior's upraised hand.

"No buts, Breda," Roy said, "I appreciate what you all thought you were doing, but the way you went about was wrong. No, I'm afraid all four of you will have to be punished."

Havoc and Breda gulped, Falman frowned and Fuery started to tremble slightly.

Roy began to pace. He rubbed his chin, deep in thought. "What to do...?" he asked. Slowly his trademark smirk formed and his pacing slowed. "I have it!" he declared, turning toward his cowed officers.

"Breda, Falman and Fuery, you are to leave here and report to the kitchen where you will be put to work peeling any and all potatoes that the kitchen staff need for the evening meal. None of you will be permitted to leave until all of the potatoes have been peeled."

The colonel's statements were met with a groan from Breda, a frown from Falman and a grimace from Fuery.

"Furthermore," Roy continued, "For the rest of the week you three will do your paperwork in the morning, have lunch, then immediately report to the kitchens where you will again practice the time honored military tradition of spud-skinning. Your shifts will not end until every necessary potato has been peeled."

This time his orders were met with groans from all around.

He turned and faced his smoker subordinate, "Havoc, since you are only marginally involved in this, your punishment will be lighter then the others. You are hereby ordered to spend every lunch this week reviewing last year's budget reports in the Records department." Roy thought for a moment. "Have Private Sciezka help you. I believe she's the one who filed them all."

Havoc hung his head, ostensibly in shame, but really it was to hide the grin he knew was pricking at the corners of his lips.

Finally stopping his pacing, the colonel's gaze took in four of his subordinates. "Do you all understand your orders?"

All four snapped to attention and saluted. "Yes, sir!" they said in unison.

Roy gave them a curt nod. "Good, then you are all dismissed."

Dropping their hands and shoulders, all four filed out the door.

"This is your fault, Breda!" Falman whispered fiercely, "You're the one who said he was dating Armstrong!"

"Me!" Breda answered, "Fuery's the little perv who suggested the colonel was having threesomes with Armstrong and Sergeant Johnson!"

Fuery paled, but any response he made was lost as Roy shut the door behind them.

The Flame Alchemist turned around to find the Fullmetal Alchemist facing him with crossed arms and an irritated expression. "Don't you think you were kind of hard on Fuery, Falman and Breda? They were just trying to help you!"

"Brother, don't..." Al warned halfheartedly. He knew it was pretty much a lost cause trying to nip Ed in the bud when he was fired up about something, but that didn't stop him from trying.

Heading toward his desk and letting out a sigh of relief as he fell into his chair, Roy said, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Fullmetal."

Ed's eye's narrowed and he pointed at the door. "You pretty much give Havoc free rein to spend lunch with his girlfriend while the others are sentenced to extra long shifts peeling potatoes!"

Roy sighed and shifted some of the papers on his desk. "Fullmetal, do you know when the kitchen staff starts their shifts?"

"Not really," Ed replied, slightly confused by the colonel's change in direction.

"They come in at five in the morning," Roy said as he made neat little piles of reports, "Now considering that the kitchen staff has been working for seven hours or so already, exactly how many potatoes do you think will be left to peel by the time those three report down there?"

Understanding began to dawn on the Elrics. "And since you told them they could get off work once they were done..." Al said.

Roy nodded, "Essentially, I've given them leave to knock off early every day this week."

The elder Elric stared in surprise at the colonel. Frankly, he was stunned that the lazy-good-for-nothing-Colonel-Matchstick was able to quickly improvise such a neat solution that was fair to everyone. Maybe the man would make a decent Fuhrer after all. "How exactly do you know all this?"

The colonel shot Ed an annoyed look. "I do read the reports that end up on my desk, Fullmetal."

Ed snorted. "You mean _lately_ you've been reading them all."

"Whatever," Roy shrugged, "Well, I think it's about time we got back to your briefing don't you?"

Sighing in exasperation, Ed replied, "Look, we're going to do the same thing we always do when we're in town: Do research at the Central Library until we find a new lead then head off again. We'll let you know where we're going before we leave."

He turned to exit but was stopped in his tracks by Roy. "Not so fast, Fullmetal."

Ed turned around and glared at the his superior officer. "Yeah?"

"I'm afraid you can't go to the library yet, I have a job for you," Roy said, "Internal Affairs is moving to another office and they need help shifting some of the files. I volunteered your services."

"What?" Ed cried, "No way! Pull one of your stooges off of potato duty and get them to do it!"

Al raised his hand. "Uh, sir? Why don't I go do it? Then brother can start working in the library, and I'll join him when I'm done."

Mustang shook his head. "I appreciate the offer, Alphonse, but these are classified files. Only someone of Captain rank or higher has the necessary security level to even touch them. Only Edward and myself are high enough to do the job."

"So why don't you do it then?" Ed asked, his voice full of sarcasm, "Or are you afraid you'll get a paper cut?"

Roy rested his head in his hand and regarded his young subordinate with a slight smirk. "Because I have to do paperwork, and I'm not about to let you have a shot at getting my reward for completing it."

Ed blushed crimson and looked down at the floor. The memory of walking in on said "reward" and the image of Mustang's rear end would forever be burned in the boy's brain . "I wouldn't want it anyway," he said.

"If it was Winry that'd be a different story," Al said, just low enough for Ed to hear.

The elder Elric shot his brother a withering look. "Shut up, Al!" he hissed. Desperate to distract the colonel from his brother's comment, Ed said, "Fine, I'll do your stupid chore. It better not take too long."

"It probably won't take any longer then an hour," Roy answered, "Then you can go meet with Hawkeye at lunch and hit the library in the afternoon."

Ed gave a curt nod and turned to leave. He paused at the door. "Al, I'll meet you in the cafeteria, okay?"

Al nodded, and Ed left. Al moved to follow him, but Roy speaking brought him up short.

With a knowing smirk and an amused glint in his eye, Roy addressed the boy, "Alphonse, I was wondering if you could help me with something...?"

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"Winry, where did you put that shipment of screws we got yesterday?" Pinako asked as she walked toward the workshop. "Winry?" Soft snores warned her why the girl wasn't answering even before she entered the room.

Her granddaughter was still where she had been when Pinako had retired for the night; except now the girl was fast asleep on top of a newly finished arm and a myriad of small tools. Gently Pinako lifted her granddaughter's head and removed an Allen wrench that was poking out of the pile and would likely have left quite an impression in the morning.

"This girl..." Pinako said, sighing in exasperation, "Up late every night, working on automail."

Her granddaughter always was incredibly single-minded in her devotion to things she loved, whether it was automail or a person. She just wished a particular young, idiot shrimp would get that through his thick skull and finally notice just how Winry felt about him.

Many were the times that Pinako had to resist the urge to knock some sense into the boy. She smiled sadly. "Of course, if that was all that fool child needed then Winry and her wrench would have set him straight years ago," she said."

Already knowing what she would see, but still curious, she carefully lifted up the bottom of the shoulder joint. A quick check of the serial number confirmed her suspicions. "I knew it," she whispered as she gently laid the joint back down.

Out of the many patients that Winry had worked with over the years, only one ever had automail whose serial number began with "E" and "D."

Pinako draped a blanket over the sleeping girl, then quietly made her way to the door. Before turning off the light she glanced back at Winry and sighed. "For your sake, child, I hope he wises up soon."

Flipping off the light and shutting the door, Pinako left her granddaughter to the sleep she so desperately needed.

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Author's Indulgence

It's been awhile, eh? I'm sorry it has been, but frankly, life gets in the way sometimes. Also, if I don't really want to write, I'm not going to force myself to, because then the writing turns out badly.

Part of the problem as well, was the monster scene in the middle of the chapter here. It wasn't in my original plan, and I would have forgotten it entirely, but I think it's a good illustration of what Mustang's relationship with his other subordinates is like.

I've taken a liking to Breda lately so he may have a bit more of a role than he previously was supposed to.

Anyway:

--Thanks to the cast, crew and creators of the Fullmetal Alchemist anime and manga.

--Thanks to Snakecharmerfoxx, for the beta / pre-read, reassurance, etc.

--Thanks to my husband who has again abandoned me for soccer (Super Cup this time) and occasionally Nascar.

--Thanks to all those who read and review or leave feedback, including those from the Royai thread in the forums. Hi, Melenvir!

And thanks to you for reading.

Next time: Hawkeye has a proposal for Al. And speaking of Al, just what are he and Roy planning? Could it really be to set Ed up with Greta the Lunchlady? Does Ed really find Greta's unibrow sexy or is he just in it for the food?

Find out on the next thrilling chapter of "A Confusing Midday!"

-----

Anne Packrat (August 4, 2007)


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